Crushed

The Secret Agent has been slowly working her/his way through the entries in the contest, expressing interest in a few, dismissing others as too cliched, confusing or overwritten.

Mine was crushed like an empty beer can at a tailgate party.

Not hooked. Sorry. I felt like there was a lot of overwriting in the first two paragraphs.

“languoruous, bear-sized roots”

“Kavio debated himself briefly”

And then the wrap up that he must kill her becuase she’s dancing without magic just seemed too out of the blue for me to take seriously.

If he knows about this law, then he would be immediately on edge when seeing a secret dancer, correct? The scene would need to be written completely differently if that is the case.

I’m not too worried about the purple prose. The Secret Agent has no way of knowing, but I do, that I probably got a little carried away with this prologue. The other concern — that he would be immediately on edge seeing a secret dancer, is a bit harder to do anything about. Although, originally, when the prologue was about 300 words instead of 250, there was a “foreshadowing” about the law and the dancing. Maybe I should put that back in.