An Experiment in Gratitude, Vulnerability and Possibly, Abject Failure

If you missed it, be sure and listen to J.K. Rowling on why it’s okay to fail.  Today, I’d like to share Brene Brown’s talk on the power of vulnerability.

I recieved this link from Jon Cousins, who is part of the team at Moodscape. I joined the site last May. As I discuss in my anthology Conmergence (which is also a secret autobiography), I suffered a set back that had me reeling toward severe depression. It didn’t help that the crisis coincided with the birth of my third child. The idea behind Moodscape is to combine two social strategies to combat depression: (1) the power of monitoring your own mood, and (2) the power of community.


Last May, I came close to giving up on many things, including my writing. I did have this blog, but hadn’t blogged much in nine months. I supposed everyone had forgotten me. You can’t imagine how pleased I was when the writers of other blogs not only remembered me but welcomed me back warmly.

This community of friends kept me going through a dark hour. I never would have guessed at the beginning of the summer that I would have my first book–which I had toiled on seemingly fruitlessly for ten years–finally published in December. 
The people I admire most of this community give so much of themselves to others, even though it often means becoming vulnerable, and risking failure. I wanted to do the same, except I was terrified. If you offer something to other people, you take the chance they will reject you.

I designed my new blog 500 Words to do two things which are difficult for me: share my own work, and invite other authors and artists to share their own work with me.

Why was this so hard? Some of you probably wouldn’t find it hard at all, and you might be shaking your head. I am extremely shy, in the wild, and any appearence I am socially domesticated is just an internet-induced illusion. The idea of inviting people to post on my blog terrified me. Each time I wrote an email, my finger quavered over the send button. I won’t tell you how many times I had to get out of my chair so I could kick myself in the butt.

Most authors and artists I’ve contacted have been simply wonderful. Yes, a few refused, for different reasons. And you know what? It wasn’t apocalyptic at all. After all that quivering and quavering, the refusal didn’t feel like a rejection after all. I could accept it and move on.

Two writers, one indie and one traditionally published, replied that they did not want to share even 500 words of their novel on a blog because it was proprietary. Not even 500 out of 100,000 words could be given away for free.
I understand. I don’t agree, but I understand.

I debated a long time with myself about whether I should offer my book for free. After all, as Zoe Winters has pointed out, writers are not slaves; we need to earn a living. I have certain relatives who like to taunt me that I will never succeed at writing, never make money at it, and never convince anyone to pay real $$$ for words of mine. That stings; I want to prove the bastards wrong. Hurt makes me feel stingy and desperate, and shame makes me hesitant to offer anything that might be pushed away. So I feel trapped between the need to hard sell my novel and then, hating that, the need to not promote at all.

But it doesn’t have to be like that. 

I believe I can step away from those small, petty feelings, those prickling thorns of doubt, by remembering both why I write and to whom I owe all that I’ve accomplished so far. And that is all of you. There are people reading this blog whom I don’t know, and many others whose blogs I’ve read who do not no me. And isn’t that an amazing thing about the age we live in, that we can owe so much to people we have never met in the flesh? Or maybe it’s not so new after all. Long before the internet made it visible, human communities spun webs of interdependency and invisible relationship.

As a child, I learned a song:



Love is something
if you give it away
give it away, give it away
you end up having more.

All of this is an extremely maudlin and long way to say that I will be giving kindle/kindle app copies of my book away as gifts. Yes, I’ll be giving ebooks, not print, but I wanted to give more than a pdf file. (Unless someone asks for that form, which one person already has.) I think the kindle version, which can be read on a lot of devices or your computer, 
Although I hope that those who recieve it will (1) read it, (2) enjoy it, and then (3) share how much they enjoyed it in long effusive reviews, I know that not everyone will. And that’s okay.

In fact, if you recieve a gift book from me, and you don’t want to even download the book, you can exchange it for credit on Amazon. If you recieve a gift book from me, it is free to you, but not worthless.

For me, this is an experiment in gratitude, vulnerability and possibly, abject failure. I already know what my family critic would say about this plan. I only have a few friends, and they are the only ones likely to buy my book, so I’d be crazy to give it to them.

Screw that thinking. I love you guys. And I love my book. I want to share it. I hope you love it too, but if you don’t, I will still love you.

Thank you. Just for being.