The Worst Query Letter Ever

Are you ever plagued by the worry, “What if I haven’t written enough drek?”

I’ve been going through boxes of my old papers recovered from my mom’s garage. One held a trove of old stories. I’ve already found a few lost manuscripts. Now I’m finding manuscripts that were not only lost but entirely forgotten.

In most cases, for good reason.

Short stories, novellas, worldbuilding notes on worlds I never finished building,

Frex, I’ve found mysterious messages scrawled across the top of a scene that begins and ends on page 5. “Note to self: I’m not sure what ATEN is, but it is really important.”

Self to Note: WTF?

On the one hand, I think, well, if I was worried I hadn’t written the million words of drek it supposedly takes to become a decent writer, clearly that fear was unfounded.

But, egad, it is SO BAD.

The worst embarrassment of all has got to be the query letter I found. The author talks about herself in third person for three paragraphs, and then in the fourth paragraph, adds, “As the above mentioned author, I hope you will consider becoming my agent…”

Shudder.

Let us not even mention the grandiose and ridiculous claims made by this third person author. And the kicker is that I can’t even tell what book I thought I was querying. Somehow I forgot to mention that.

Unbelievable.

Present Self: Please, please, younger self, tell me you never sent this query letter anywhere.

Younger Self: Pretty sure I didn’t.

Present Self: [lets out breath in big whoosh]

Younger Self: HERE’S the query I sent….

Present Self: MUST…. NOT…. LOOK….

Snarky Villains You Love to Hate

Villains like to steal things, and specifically, they like to steal the scene.

Some authors write the best villains. Totally creepy, frightening, powerful. My villains are more snarky than scary, even when they meet in a cafe to dine on human hearts! That pinch of snark, combined with a dollop of badass, or vice versa, makes them fun to write, so fun, I wonder if they are planning on scene-stealing. I have about an equal number of villains as good guys, and I’m not sure if that’s normal or not.

Villains are an interesting breed. They can’t be boring, but is there a danger in making them too intriguing? Especially if they have good qualities balancing out the bad, so they are genuinely likable.

My villains have a number of ghastly habits. If one of them tells you, “eat your heart out,” he might just mean it literally. Still, I think they’re likable. One or two of them gets redeemed at the end of the book, the rest have to be content with swearing revenge.

Two of the villains in this book play a prominent role in the series set in the same world as this stand-alone fantasy.

Excerpt

The humans arrived a moment later. The male shoved another guest from a chair, then chivalrously offered the emptied seat to the female.

The displaced dragon scrambled to his feet. “I demand satisfaction!”

The human, without turning around, stabbed his sword backward into the chest of the dragon.

“Satisfied?”

The dragon tumbled with a thump.

“Now I remember why I liked you, Yadezkra,” said Korien. “What’s your name this time around?”

“Yorgash, Your Majesty.”

“Yorgash, Yorgash. Ah, our food. I hope you don’t mind, Yorgash. I ordered human heart.”

“Every one to his own taste, Your Majesty,” Yorgash said blandly.

The proprietress placed the chalices before them. Each goblet contained a human heart on a bed of crushed ice, glazed in honey and sugar and topped with chopped pineapple.

“I ordered for you and your wife as well.”

“Your thoughtfulness is touching.” Yorgash picked up the prong and used it appropriately to maneuver the heart. He crunched and visibly swallowed.

“A bit tough,” he critiqued. “The heart of a fallen gladiator, I’d wager. You should try children, especially the spoiled fat ones who’ve been stuffed with too much cake. Much more tender. I’ve found traitors often have such children.”

Xena vs Buffy

http://www.factpile.com/xena-vs-buffy/

Oh this is hard…hmm…
I agree, Buffy will come up with some elaborate way to come back but in the end I have faith my Warrior Princess will defeat her. The only obsticle Xena would have is to overcome the technology difference…depending on which time period the fight takes place. But I would like to believe the two would never fight but join sides and kick ass together. However…

Willow and Kennedy get into an arguement, Willow leaves the house and runs into Gabrielle who is dazed by being brought into this world. She asks for Xena and Willow confuzed asks “Xena The Warrior Princess?”
G: You Know of her?
W: She’s only the most amazing television show ever
G: What do you mean television show?
Willow looks the girl over…
W: What is you name?
G: Gabrielle…where is Xena?

*commercial*

Inside the Summer’s home…

W: Buffy I think we have a problem…Gabrielle here is looking for her Xena.
B: Gabrielle? Xena?
D: No way!
W: I think something has happened
Dawn runs over to the TV and turns it on…Xena comes on, it’s a re-run only Xena acts differently and confused trying to find Gabrielle
D: That’s not how it goes…
G: Xena!
B: Giles how do we fix this…
GL: I have this book…
A: Yes, go check your book
X: Anya!
GL: It might be able to help us out

Later…Giles reads a incantation only it brings Xena out of the TV…

G: Xena
X: Gabrielle
A: That worked swell Giles
Xena pulls the sword
G: It’s okay they are trying to help
Xena pushes Gabrielle behind her
X: What’s going on
GL: Magic…It brought you to the real world

*comercial*

Days pass and Willow starts to show an interest in Gabrielle….Xena begins to get jealous. She sees Willow grab for Gabrielle’s hand and Xena steps in.

Little moments like this continue and eventually lead into a confrontation…Buffy steps in and there is a fight…Buffy protectin Willow and Xena protecting Gabrielle…With either one not wanting to kill each other they decided to call a truce. Willow reconnects with Kennedy and Gabrielle is with Xena…

GL: We need to restore things back to the way they are supposed to be. I believe I have found out what went wrong. We should begin right away before more damage is done.

Giles re-reads the incantation but with a new tone of voice.
Within a flash Xena is holding on to Gabrielle as they are returned to the TV.

D: Why did you have to do that…Gabrielle was sharring her writing skills with me and Xena was going to take me fishing.
B: Fishing? you don’t fish…
D: It doesn’t hurt to try now does it…
B: Where in sunnydale are you going to fish
D: Forget it, I’m going upstairs to watch some Xena
B: Seriously…fishing?
D: Night Buffy.

The camera focuses in on Xena and Gabrielle
The two look around and gaze into eachothers eyes…

X: We’re home
G: As long as I’m with you, I’m home
Xena leans in and passionate kiss is exchanged.

The End! : )

By Force of Spirit

WWII Ghost Dimension…

When enough ghosts accumulate at one time, they are strong enough to maintain their own ongoing plane, a shared ghostly dimension.

This Gave Me Chills

Gizmodo has an article on how Photoshop opens Time Portals into a World War II Ghost Dimension. And boy is it freaky.

You know that old creativity exercise where you take a picture and let it inspire a story?

There are some pictures you can’t look at and not imagine a story.